Monday, October 27, 2008


Never a better time to start a diary or, rather, a blog, than when you have a major breakthrough in your life, yes?

For the last few weeks I've been having some really, really bad panic attacks. Not that any panic attack would be good, but these have been exceptionally bad. This isn't my first go-round with them either ('nother story, 'nother day....maybe) but this is the first time that I hadn't a clue as to what was triggering them. So, off to the dr for meds again....Zoloft-it is my friend; Xanax -an even better friend (but don't tell the Zoloft, 'kay?). The attacks have ranged from "meh.....I can breathe thru this" to "ohmigodIcan'tbreatheIcan'tstopbeingsickIcan'tkeeptheXanaxdowntakemetotheER"......yeah, *that* one was fun. Not. Some of the smaller ones have happened at work, but, my boss is a saint. When the attacks first started I was upfront with her about what was going on and she's been exceptional.....truly.

Perhaps before I go any further into the breakthrough on the attacks, I should introduce myself and my family? My name is Gracie....I'm in my late 30's, married for 12 years to a wonderful man, Randy, and we have 2 awesome boys....Bubby and Lil Man ...obviously not their real names, we're not *that* mean ;-)

Bubby is our oldest, having just turned 10 (!!) . He is a "mini-me" down to his little bones.....our birthdays are only 10 days (and oh so many years!) apart and we couldn't be more alike. Well, except he's incredibly intelligent, loving, gentle, polite.... He loves him some Star Wars (ask him anything about it, he'll have the answer) and he's an awesome big brother, a book-worm and a non-stop talking, rule follower. He also has Asperger's Syndrome. And he's just perfect in his own quirky, loving way. AS is an Autism Spectrum Disorder.....a form of autism if you will. he is exceptionally high-functioning, if a little quirky and eccentric. This is a fairly new diagnosis for us, maybe in the last 8 months or so...... I'm sure the topic will show up alot here.

Then there's Lil Man.....he's almost 3 yrs old (will be in March). LM is a wild, rough 'n tumble, cars 'n dirt lovin' little boy. He keeps us on our toes with his inquisitive and rambunctious ways.....he's also a "mini-me" of his daddy......oh lordy help us all LOL. He's talking up a storm (LM, not daddy...altho, he has his days too) but if you're lucky, you'll understand about 50% of what he says....and only then if you're already familiar with his vernacular. Up to the last couple of weeks I've even had to translate for daddy. We had a speech evaluation done but for right now, the powers that be in the evaluation world, don't seem to be too concerned. He knows all his colors and can point them out, loves to jump and hop and play with his cars and draw on paper (and sometimes himself) with pens and crayons.....

The both of them are handsome little tow-headed boys with gorgeous blue eyes and eyelashes any girl would love to have...... I, however, could be a little biased in my opinion LOL...... Also sharing our humble abode with us are 3 furbabies....2 of the canine persuasion, Rascal and Sissy, and one of the feline, that would be Marcus. Rascal is the oldest at 12 yrs, then Sissy at 8 yrs and Marcus is a little over a year old. Love them one and all, most of the time LOL.

Ok....niceties out of the way....back to the attacks and the breakthrough. We went to counseling last Thursday night (normally Bubby is with us as we're learning about his AS and things we can do to help him), just hubby and I. As soon as we walked in Dr. K says "Something has happened- What's going on?" I started explaining about the panic attacks....he asked if I did my breathing exercises.....I told him I tried but nothing was working and that I'd gone to my primary care dr and gotten back on Zoloft and Xanax. So we started talking, mostly Dr. K was talking, trying to pinpoint what was going on. And wouldn't you know it, we started talking about Bubby and the upcoming IEP meeting and I broke down.....totally lost it and cried for a good 15 minutes. What it boils down to is I'm afraid that I'm not adequate enough to advocate for my son.....that I will fail him if I don't do everything absolutely perfectly right at this (our very first!!) IEP meeting, I've taken on the full responsibility to learn anything and everything I can about AS and ASD's and special needs and the schools and the laws and accommodations for IEP's and I'm afraid that I'm going to miss something critical that would be so helpful for him...and....and...and.....HELLO? Breakdown much? Yeah, totally....right into panic attacks.

I really do have alot of fears about missing something.... I mean, hell, he's 10 yrs old now, and we're JUST finding out about having Asperger's?? Are you kidding me?? Observant much mom and dad???? Never mind that he has ADHD as well and that disorder has masked alot of his Asperger's. We always just thought he's our quirky kid....our little bounce off the walls/can't sit still go boy go! Our little "smarty" pants because he's just that damn smart.....our shy little guy that couldn't look you in your eyes for more than 2 seconds if his life depended on it.......our little bookworm who would rather read than know, BOY things like ride bikes and play in the dirt and climb trees.......

But you know what? He's ours.....he's perfect in our eyes and we love him dearly.........

1 comment:

Mariposa Farm Alpacas said...

Hang in there, Gracie. You're doing a great job. A lot of people aren't diagnosed with AS until much later. I know several people who have it and they have learned to manage quite well. Your little one is just wired differently than most of us. And, like all of us, the challenge will be to work with what we've been given.

You're in my thoughts and prayers.